I recently met up with a friend who I have known since primary school.  As has become the custom at such meet-ups, we enjoyed a rather fun trip down memory lane.  I suspect that part of the reason why this occurrence is becoming more and more frequent is because we both turn 30 this year.  We have joked about this eventuality throughout our twenties by saying things like “do you realise that in six years’ time we will both be 30?  This is terrifying!”  I think the jokes came about because we genuinely used to think of 30 as being old, which also meant that we had a long list of things that we wanted to have accomplished by the time we reached that milestone.  Obviously, we both struggled to recall very many of the items on our lists.  My friend had always said that she expected to be married with two children by the age of 25 (on reflection we agree that 25 is a mere baby and 30 int exactly old either). 

Like any effective appraisal (for that is what our lunch had unintentionally turned into), we discussed what we had actually achieved; degrees, homes, friends and careers.  The big stuff.  Or some of the big stuff.  The rest would, we assured ourselves, just happen in much the same way as our other attainments have.  It’s not that we were being particularly philosophical; more that we have become tired by the whole “by the age of 30 you should be doing x, y and z.”  I mean, our generation have enjoyed greater freedoms and choices than many that have gone previously and rather than enjoy this simple fact, we are becoming a generating of compulsive whingers.  Rather than celebrate our choices and accomplishments many of us are regretting not having taken the alternative routes through our twenties.  Sure university was fun whilst we were there but wouldn't we have become much more enlightened if we had traveled the world instead?  Maybe starting a family would have been much more satisfying than the job I worked so hard to get.  Who needs a clean house and loads of antique furniture anyway?  Bah.  Contrary to this self-indulgent bellyaching, my friend and I spent a good half an hour slapping ourselves on the back and gobbing off about how much we are actually enjoying our lives.  We then descended into a discussion about our fifteen year old selves….

This particular friend probably wouldn't mind me stating that we were both oddballs (I have withdrawn her legal name just in case she would).  By this I mean that we were both rather young and naive compared to our peers.  I can’t actually remember what sort of stuff we actually used to talk about but I know that it wasn't ever the same sort of stuff that other girls of the same age used to talk about.  There were also the various fashion disasters that are endemic among she-geeks everywhere; white socks with sandals, bad haircuts, perms (I think that was just me) and wearing heals with tracksuits.  Often when I look back at myself as a teenager I cringe, even if reminiscing about these years of awkwardness make for some hilarious conversations. 

It’s really odd to think that at 15 I had literally no idea how things worked or how I myself actually cogitated.  I have often heard it said that you have no genuine concept of self until you leave your childhood and teenage years behind and I think that this certainly holds true for me.  I know that many people would disagree because they had grown and developed their characters when they were still quite young.  However, at 15 I was still a child.  I had not yet met most of the people who would become my closest friends and confidants.  I had not yet discovered my chief motivations, my absolute unremitting passions and my wildest aspirations.  Like many young people I wanted to work in show business.  Leaving aside the fact that I could neither sing nor act and that I had the face of a deformed bulldog, the chances of me ever attaining a career in show business were always going to be pretty slim.  Very few people succeed in this line of business and many of those who do probably wish they hadn't.  Still, at 15 I was convinced that I was destined to be a star and became unable to see any reason why this would not transpire.  Needless to say that this particular dream has not been realised, much to the relief of my 29 year old self!  I’m almost chortling at how much I wanted to be some glamorous actress, whilst conveniently forgetting that it this particular dream was like a soothing balm to an ego that had been repeatedly injured by bullying and social exclusion.  Dreams and delusions were probably the safest and cosiest place for the 15 year old me to exist.  At this present moment it is easy to forget the pain and isolation that I felt as a 15 year old.  It is also easy to idealise my younger days by overemphasising the carefree aspects of my youth.  My anxieties over turning 30 have often led me to wish for a return to my younger days, without paying much heed to the fact that my adolescent years were frightening, confusing and miserable.  I may lament that fact that I now have to worry about paying bills and running a home but I promise you that these things are a definite improvement over wondering whether you will get through an entire school day without having your lunch money nicked or getting spat at by the people in the year below you.  This realisation has been somewhat bizarrely uplifting for me.  I now realise that as a 29 year old I have much more influence over the direction of my life than I did at 15.  It’s not that old chestnut about years buying you wisdom (my wisdom points are probably in minus figures) but more about realising that I have choices.  The 15 year old me was tethered to the life and identity as a social outcast.  I had to share space with my tormentors because our parents were legally obliged to send us to school.  Very few if any of us actually wanted to be there, sharing that space with each other.  We had no say over what we did or where we went.  We were just sitting it out, waiting and hoping that when we finally made it out of there it would be to something better.  Finally, the something better is here and I feel that it should be marked in some way….