Gaga baby names!

What is the deal with baby names these days?  Seriously, why do parents feel the need to inflict a lifetime of embarrassment and emotional torture on their innocent offspring by burdening them with stupid names?  I seem to be encountering more and more youngsters with names that just make me flush with embarrassment on the poor child’s behalf.  I can tolerate names that are unusual or inventive.  Some of them are really lovely creations.  However, there are others that are just plain cruel.  There are far too many to recall in the space of one blog post so I have listed a few that stand out:

11)  Kamden (not only is this a place name but it is one that has been misspelled.  Whether this is a deliberate attempt at inventiveness or because the parents cannot spell is not quite clear)

22)  Brynlee (what?)

33)  Tihnita (where to start and finish with this monstrosity)

44) Bristol (again, place name)

55) Preston (if you’re going to pluck your spawn’s name out of the A-Z rather than an actual baby name book then please make sure that said name refers to a nice place and not a post industrial Lancastrian shithole)

66) Bradford (mostly as above)

77) Presley

88) Ferrari (no, I shall resist the temptation...)

99) Brooklyn (it wasn’t good when a halfwit celebrity couple named their son Brooklyn)

  10)  Apple (great in a crumble but not so good as a baby name)

111)  Anus (if you need me to explain why this name is a bad idea then you should really not reproduce...ever)

112) Blue bell

113) Peaches (fresh or tinned...you decide)

114)  Willie (NO)

115) Santa (this child should consider taking some form of legal action against its parents when it is old enough)

I have no idea what possesses parents to do something so cruel.  I suspect (and hope I’m right) that they are just intending to give their spawn a nice, original name rather than inflict a lifetime of misery, resulting from the relentless teasing of school bullies and the hours spent having to spell their stupid names phonetically to all and sundry.  And, like any half baked craze, I strongly suspect this one is partially the doing of idiotic celebrities.  As my boss pointed out, celebrities and their children can get away with having names like Rocco and Peaches.  Infact, it is almost a requirement to have a name that takes its origins from a piece of fruit/ make of car/ other inanimate object/ city.  However, if you are a council worker/ barmaid/ doctor/ other invisible nobody then naming your offspring something outlandish is certainly NOT a very good idea.

 

Ok, so you might argue that Blue Bell is a cute name for a baby.  Fine.  I don’t necessarily agree with you but there you go.  The point is: can you imagine a thirteen year old Blue Bell?  A twenty three year old Blue Bell?  A fifty year old Blue Bell?  It goes without saying but usually one’s Christian name is for life.  Do you really want your child to wonder into adulthood blushing every time somebody asks what their name is? 

And you know those pieces of card you keep in your wallet?  Yes, your bank cards and driving licence!  The things that you use to prove who you are....the things that have your NAME printed on them?  Well, in approximately seventeen years time little Talula Hula will be able to apply for one of those.  Oh, I can just see the look on the admin assistant’s face when that application lands at DVLA HQ.  Still, if nothing else it will brighten their day and will give them a story to go home with (“Dude, I got an application form for a new provisional licence and you will never BELIEVE what the poor sod was called.”)  I’m not picking on the DVLA.  I don’t think they are nasty, evil people.  But they are people and, like school bullies, bank clerks and potential employers, they know a stupid name when they see one!  Moral of this paragraph: one day your precious little bundle of vomit will be a grown up with ID.  That ID will contain his or her name.

It goes without saying but kids (and adults) can be cruel.  Children get bullied for all sorts of reasons; being too short, being too smart, wearing glasses, having a speech impediment, liking Justin Bieber...the list is endless.  Some of these things are unavoidable traits.  Others aren’t.  Take it from me, being bullied is an unpleasant experience at any age and one that can haunt a person into adulthood.  No parent wants their child to be the object of playground taunts, which is why every parent should refrain from naming their child with creations like Santa, Chardonnay and Sambuka.  That is, unless you desperately want to be having to explain to your child why the cashier in the bank has to stifle a snigger every time they emerge at the counter, snotty little bank book in hand.