What is the deal with baby names these days? Seriously, why do parents feel the need to
inflict a lifetime of embarrassment and emotional torture on their innocent
offspring by burdening them with stupid names?
I seem to be encountering more and more youngsters with names that just
make me flush with embarrassment on the poor child’s behalf. I can tolerate names that are unusual or
inventive. Some of them are really
lovely creations. However, there are
others that are just plain cruel. There
are far too many to recall in the space of one blog post so I have listed a few
that stand out:
11) Kamden (not only is this a place name but it is
one that has been misspelled. Whether
this is a deliberate attempt at inventiveness or because the parents cannot
spell is not quite clear)
22) Brynlee (what?)
33) Tihnita (where to start and finish with this
monstrosity)
44) Bristol (again, place name)
55) Preston (if you’re going to pluck your spawn’s
name out of the A-Z rather than an actual baby name book then please make sure
that said name refers to a nice place and not a post industrial Lancastrian
shithole)
66) Bradford (mostly as above)
77) Presley
88) Ferrari (no, I shall resist the temptation...)
99) Brooklyn (it wasn’t good when a halfwit
celebrity couple named their son Brooklyn)
10) Apple (great in a crumble but not so good as a
baby name)
111) Anus (if you need me to explain why this name is
a bad idea then you should really not reproduce...ever)
112) Blue bell
113) Peaches (fresh or tinned...you decide)
114) Willie (NO)
115) Santa (this child should consider taking some
form of legal action against its parents when it is old enough)
I have no idea what possesses parents to do something so
cruel. I suspect (and hope I’m right)
that they are just intending to give their spawn a nice, original name rather
than inflict a lifetime of misery, resulting from the relentless teasing of
school bullies and the hours spent having to spell their stupid names
phonetically to all and sundry. And,
like any half baked craze, I strongly suspect this one is partially the doing
of idiotic celebrities. As my boss
pointed out, celebrities and their children can get away with having names like
Rocco and Peaches. Infact, it is almost
a requirement to have a name that takes its origins from a piece of fruit/ make
of car/ other inanimate object/ city.
However, if you are a council worker/ barmaid/ doctor/ other invisible
nobody then naming your offspring something outlandish is certainly NOT a very
good idea.
Ok, so you might argue that Blue Bell is a cute name for a
baby. Fine. I don’t necessarily agree with you but there
you go. The point is: can you imagine a
thirteen year old Blue Bell? A twenty
three year old Blue Bell? A fifty year
old Blue Bell? It goes without saying
but usually one’s Christian name is for life.
Do you really want your child to wonder into adulthood blushing every
time somebody asks what their name is?
And you know those pieces of card you keep in your
wallet? Yes, your bank cards and driving
licence! The things that you use to
prove who you are....the things that have your NAME printed on them? Well, in approximately seventeen years time
little Talula Hula will be able to apply for one of those. Oh, I can just see the look on the admin
assistant’s face when that application lands at DVLA HQ. Still, if nothing else it will brighten their
day and will give them a story to go home with (“Dude, I got an application
form for a new provisional licence and you will never BELIEVE what the poor sod
was called.”) I’m not picking on the
DVLA. I don’t think they are nasty, evil
people. But they are people and, like
school bullies, bank clerks and potential employers, they know a stupid name
when they see one! Moral of this
paragraph: one day your precious little bundle of vomit will be a grown up with
ID. That ID will contain his or her
name.
It goes without saying but kids (and adults) can be
cruel. Children get bullied for all
sorts of reasons; being too short, being too smart, wearing glasses, having a
speech impediment, liking Justin Bieber...the list is endless. Some of these things are unavoidable
traits. Others aren’t. Take it from me, being bullied is an
unpleasant experience at any age and one that can haunt a person into
adulthood. No parent wants their child
to be the object of playground taunts, which is why every parent should refrain
from naming their child with creations like Santa, Chardonnay and Sambuka. That is, unless you desperately want to be
having to explain to your child why the cashier in the bank has to stifle a
snigger every time they emerge at the counter, snotty little bank book in
hand.
