Childfree by Choice

A recent trawl through my Facebook friends revealed that many of my peers are now parents.  I suppose I am in that kind of age group where many people are at least starting to consider swapping their boozy nights for bedtime stories and lunch out with the girls for messy home baking sessions.  But what about those of us who haven’t and have no intention of doing so?

The phrase “child free” has now been coined to denote those of us who have made the conscious decision not to have children.  It is thought to be more positive than its more traditional and wider used “child-less” because, in removing the “less,” it is removing the implication that the person is lacking something in not having children.  A Google search for the term “Childfree” yields thousands of results, including a link to the Childfree by Choice page.  Childfree by choice is a movement which aims to increase awareness and, ultimately respect for childfree persons.

In this day and age it would seem odd that we need to have websites set up to increase awareness of a particular lifestyle choice.  I mean, we are supposed to be living in an open and accepting society, right?  I will concede that we have come a long way in many respects, particularly with regards to gender equality.  Women now have the vote and can matriculate from British universities, including Oxford and Cambridge.  However, when it comes to certain lifestyle choices we still seem to be firmly rooted in the dark ages.  The one subject that always seems to bring out the traditionalists in even the most liberally minded people is children. 

This question seems to get raised more and more as I get older.  This is possibly to do with the fact that more of my peers are becoming parents themselves and are therefore curious to know when I shall follow suit or maybe they are mistaking the ticking of the office clock for my biological clock.  Either way, I have been getting this question levelled at me more and more as time has progressed.  When I reply that I never intend to have children the response is usually a sharp intake of breath, followed by the assertion that I will change my mind, followed by an in depth treatise about the joys of parenting.  This reaction I can deal with.  I mean, I might change my mind and I suppose they are only doing the decent thing and trying to keep the conversation going.  What bothers me are the people who become vitriolic, almost to the point of insinuating that I am evil and unnatural.  Yes, I have had people question how normal I am simply because I have been honest enough to tell them that I don’t want children.  My anger is compounded by the fact that when a man expresses the same point of view as me he is not vilified in the same way.  Nobody looks at him in a strange way and calls him unnatural and selfish.  They don’t even seem to question the choice.  Surely this difference demonstrates the fact that attitudes haven’t really changed.  As a society we still think that a woman exists purely to bare children and that any woman who refuses to do this is a freak of nature. 

I understand that people on my side of the fence can be equally cutting about people with children and, for the record, I find this equally loathsome.  I want to make it abundantly clear that I have nothing against people with children.  I am not one of those people who bemoan the fact that maternity leave exists or that children are allowed in restaurants.  I do not get cross if somebody has to leave work early to tend to a sick child.  No.  In a workplace environment we find ways to help each other and to accommodate everybody’s needs, whether they have families or not. 

If we were to cancel maternity leave then this would bar many women from working altogether.  You don’t have to be a fully fledged sociologist or employment specialist to figure out how much this would hamper women and the ongoing struggle for gender equality.

My issue is purely attitudinal.  I do not go around asking couples with children why they chose to have them.  I don’t say that they shouldn’t have had their children or call them selfish for doing so.  I respect their choice and reason that as long as it works for them then I have no right to pass judgement.  I only wish that the same courtesy was shown to the childfree.